


Lo Douleur Exquise

by Mistress_of_the_Underground



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, Language of Flowers, M/M, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 07:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20904167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistress_of_the_Underground/pseuds/Mistress_of_the_Underground
Summary: Lo Douleur Exquise (n) - The excruciating pain experienced when wanting someone you can't have.Changkyun is so in love with Kihyun that he would die for just his smile. He would do anything for the other's happiness - dying included.





	Lo Douleur Exquise

**Author's Note:**

> I have never really written neither oneshots nor angst before. This is my first attempt on both. The song Flower by Xia goes very well with this piece of writing, I had it on repeat while writing it.

The sun-coloured small petals with jagged and torn lines, covered with multiple droplets of deep red blood glide to the tiled bathroom floor like delicate colourful butterflies or folded pieces of origami swans as they fall from his already pale lips. The yellow petals of carnations stare back at him, mocking him and his choice of a person to gift his whole heart to, no matter the cost, loudly. The golden hue of the flowers of rejection give him no hope, not anymore. Maybe he could have prevented it, but nothing will stop his approaching end anymore. 

He has been kneeling on the cold floor of the dorm room’s bathroom for the past ten minutes, maybe even more, there is no actual way of knowing for sure how long he has been here, coughing up his flower-filled lungs. He can’t catch a break, coughing and throwing up again and again for the whole time he has been locked in the room. He may have thrown up more than fifty times since he woke up this morning around seven o’clock to one of the fits that sparked burning flames inside him, the gentle touch of Kihyun, who was waking him causing the agonizing chaos inside him. The sharp blooms of the flower so gorgeous join the petals every once in a while, so much harder to cough out than any little piece, but they are as sweet and beautiful as is the man he gifted his heart to, his love and his life without any regret. He would rip out his own heart if Kihyun only asked. He knew the man wouldn’t, but he craves to gift the world and everything around it to the man his soul wants. He wants him to have every star in the whole universe. He is worth it all. Loving him is worth the whole universe.

The strong unforgiving vines inside him are so tightly wrapped around his ribs and tender lungs that no pair of scissors, no matter how sharp to cut them would fit between the bone and the plant suffocating him. The violently beautiful love blooms inside him, feeding on his every heartbeat, off of every Kihyun’s smile. His laugh pours water upon the flowers, every tender caress like the warming touch of sun, urging, the flowers suffocating him with their sweetness, to grow even further. The small but sharp thorns that scratch him and pierce him inside out, gutting him like an animal keep growing even sharper and bigger every time a tender smile graces Kihyun’s face. They grow with the flowers, bringing him closer to his awaiting death with every breath he takes, with every second his eyes stay on the other man without a way for him to look away. Kihyun is everything one would ever wish for. He captivates even the coldest hearts, Changkyun’s among all the others.

He never thought that loving someone with all his heart, with his whole being would end up hurting him so much, so deeply, he never believed it would rip him apart, tear him into the tiniest shreds, make him spill the prettiest petals whenever those warm brown eyes grace his mind or eyes. Kihyun was destroying him slowly, piece by piece, and he didn't really care. He wouldn't exchange his life for the love he felt for the older. He needed it to breathe in any air at all and he had decided the moment he first coughed out petals after practise - he will die loving Kihyun for a life without loving him wouldn't be worth living at all, a mere surviving would never be the same as living with his heart going wild every time the pearl-white smile makes Kihyun’s eyes turn into adorable moon crescents.

He is so deeply lost in his thoughts of Kihyun, that he barely realizes that he can't breathe as well as he did minutes ago anymore. The deeply needed air reaches his lungs with great difficulty and even then it is only a fragment of what he truly needs to be comfortable, to not be desperately gasping for the breath lost for him. The end is probably near for him. He feels like a pillow has been pressed over his face, burying him underneath the weight of his love and burning, racing heart. It is like cold water swallowing him whole. He has never been so deep under beneath. He had grown used to the surging wave covering him whole whenever the world's prettiest eyes were set on him, but this is a new height of loss of breath. He has never felt so useless as he does at the moment. So deeply at fate’s mercy.

He doesn't acknowledge when his body gives in and he falls over, his arms giving up under his weight, but when his eyes clear again a little he can see the tiled floor and wall in a different angle than before. He can feel the bloody petals sticking to his face where he has fallen upon them. He feels too weak to do much. He can’t get up. The mere thought exhausts him. His bones ache. His lungs feel empty. He feels like his mind is floating around like nothing is keeping him grounded on the ground anymore. Like gravitation ceased to exist, like the caring blanket of it was unwrapped from around him, dropping him violently.

He can hear banging against the dark wooden door where someone is trying to get into the bathroom frantically. He wants to get up, he wants to let them in, wants to assure them that everything will be alright. But his eyes are barely able to stay open. He tries to move his mouth, to tell them anything, let them know that he is alright, but only broken whispers escape between the harsh coughs that shake his weakening body. He feels so cold. It is freezing. His hands tremble, they feel so cold. He wishes someone would wrap their arms around him and just hug him for one more time. He wishes that someone would just hold him till he can no longer feel their touch upon his skin.

He doesn't catch the exact moment when the door gives in, he doesn’t even notice the splinters flying to the floor as the wood around the lock gives out to someone's power and opens to those on the other side, but he hears Kihyun's blood-curdling scream. He wants to hug the other, to calm him, tell him that everything will be alright. He can feel his head being laid into his lap, the warm fingers carding through his hair are so tender. He wants to purr and rest here for the rest of eternity. Wants to be close to the man so tenderly holding him. He can hear others in the room, he can hear Jooheon’s cries, he can feel Hoseok’s hands on his. Can hear the way Minhyuk sobs, he can see the shadow of Hyunwoo hugging Minhyuk on the wall, he can hear Hyungwon calling for an ambulance, begging them to hurry, he can feel Kihyun’s tears falling onto his face.

He can barely move, but he blindly lifts his hand towards where Kihyun’s face should be. Kihyun’s fingers wrap around his wrist and he brings the freezing hand against his tear-streaked face. The man’s cheek is warm and soft to the touch. It reminds Changkyun of everything he will lose, but he has already won so much with knowing Kihyun to begin with.

“I love you,” he whispers, his voice sounds so broken to his own ears. So rough and lifeless.

He feels peace wash over him, having said what he needed to the man most important in his life before leaving all behind. He imagines Kihyun saying the words back and with a tender smile, he closes his eyes for the rest of eternity. 

He doesn’t hear Kihyun’s screams, he no longer hears their sobs. He doesn’t see how Hyunwoo breaks down, crying into his hands like he lost everything dear to him. He doesn’t see how his hyungs break like the most delicate piece of china slammed against the ground.

He doesn’t hear Kihyun’s whispered ‘I love you’.


End file.
